Need an Extra Spoon for Streaming

Taking a spoon from the reserves!

I woke up today already exhausted and in pain.

I thought, I slept enough.

Will coffee help, had two cups!

But guess what I then realized?

It is my chronic illness RA popping up to remind me to take it easy.

So I'm going to need an extra spoon for streaming and just thriving.

When you're own body betrays you exhausted.

I need a spoon.

If you don’t know what that means, let me explain it the simple way. Because i found out a few years ago.

The Spoon Theory

People with chronic illness don’t wake up with unlimited energy.

We wake up with a limited number of spoons. Each spoon represents the energy it takes to do things most people don’t think about.

Showering.

Cooking.

Thinking clearly.

Smiling.

Holding your shoulders up.

Existing.

Once the spoons are gone they’re gone.

We always push through, but its slower.

Its not shown unless we speak on it. And when you speak on it. You feel weak and wonder does that weakness show?

Streaming has taken more spoons than I ever imagined. Its day 22 today.

I didn’t realize how exhausting streaming would actually be. I get lazy with blogging, working on the website, content and the such. But I can take breaks, should I no but i do. Because I know i can just pick up tomorrow or the next and finish those projects.

But streaming?

This challenge I've promised I'd finish is taking so much out of me. And I'm not even half way there!!!! I didn't realize how much it energy would be needed. Is it the RA or is it my personality LOL!

Smiling on command.

Greeting strangers.

Holding posture.

Projecting energy.

Reading chat.

Playing.

Talking.

Reacting.

Being present.

So far the morning after each stream for the past 21 days.

My face hurts from smiling.

My shoulders hurt like please dear rheumy body don't lock my shoulders up. Shoulders are always my first sign that I've done too much. Shoulders that lock up are the worse.

My brain feels foggy. Like I wanted to set up twitch and take a spin stream there but, no my brain said. Nice try lady. No setting up OBS for you!

My body and brain feel heavy.

Now all this has me questioning myself.....

Do you even smile this much off stream?

Apparently… no. And my muscles are mad about it.

Are you tensing up your shoulders while playing and stay grounded and centered on screen?

The answer to that is YES! I'm overly aware of everything. Sigh.

Is the Toxic part of my Name Deeper Than COD

I always thought the Toxic  part of my name was just my way of dealing with egotistical men in Call of Duty.

Trash talk.

Egos.

Lobbies full of confidence and chaos.

That part made sense.

But now…

Maybe it’s not about the game at all.

Maybe it’s about living in a body that attacks itself and still wanting to live like nothing hurts.

Maybe it’s rheumatoid arthritis.

Maybe it’s waking up already drained.

Already sore.

Already behind.

And still pressing “Go Live.”

Maybe the toxic part isn’t me. Well it is!

Maybe it’s how I survive every day.

RA makes you feel toxic. Heck, the medicine you put in your body that helps is also toxic.

Brain Fog Is the Worst Part

The pain I can handle.

The fog? That messes with just thinking clearly.

Why can’t I think straight?

Why do I feel slow?

Why am I struggling to find words?

And then you wonder if everyone can see it.

They say they can't but they see the struggle.

And you know you feel it yourself.

I’m Still Streaming Tonight

Because I’m stubborn.

Because I care.

Because I made a promise to myself.

BRB going to grab my enemy prednisone.

This may be a joke, it may not.

But I’m also learning something important along the way.

I don’t have to pretend this is easy.

I don’t have to fake energy.

I don’t have to smile through pain.

I don’t have to be on just to be accepted. My new friends are finding me!

I can be tired and still show up.

I can need an extra spoon and still be proud of myself.

If You’re a Spoonie, You Get It

And if you’re not, just ask me. I can explain.

Some days we feel great.

Some days we crawl.

Both days count.

Tonight, I’ll stream.

But tonight, I’m pulling an extra spoon from the reserves.